Schmear

Pronunciation: SH-mear
Definition: a spread of something, typically cheese, on something else, like a bagel.
Example Sentence: Don’t ever disrespect the schmear.

Some Fun Thoughts:

So there is a really beautiful linguistic story about how this word, borrowing from German, became a Yiddish word, and then as more Jews immigrated to the United States, became fully engrossed into the American Lexicon. The fluidity and connectivity between language and culture is astounding.

Today, however, I’m sadly not in the mood to revel at the mystical power of language. Today, dear readers, I am here to complain (a very fitting thing to do using Yiddish words). Yesterday, I ordered a(n everything) bagel (duh…) from a coffee shop where I am visiting for a wedding. Now, this coffee shop promises New York bagels and they apparently ship them in from New York. As a bagel snob, I was excited—no, elated—to receive such a delicacy in the middle of nowhere USA. The barista handed me a bag and told me she put the cream cheese in the bag because she didn’t want it to get everywhere. Whatever, I thought, I’ll do a little DIY in the car. So I get in the car, pull out my New York bagel and it was beautiful: dense, tight crumb, crispy outside, clearly the result of using barely malt in the boiling process. It was BEAUTIFUL, okay? I may have started tearing up. Don’t remember.

Now, I reach into the bag to grab the cream cheese and I pull out what can only be described as an emaciated dollop—like it needed an IV stat. There wasn’t enough to even cover the whole bagel, let alone my preferred amount of cream cheese, which can fully submerse a small child. This barista, this shiksa, disrespected the schmear. Almost ruined my whole day. BUT! Here’s the crazy thing about a New York bagel: they’re so good, they make up for the pathetic and naïve oversight of a child. So all in all, I was distraught but not inconsolable.

Anyways, I tell you this story not so you feel bad for me—you should, but don’t feel obligated. I’m a strong boy—but so that if you, dear reader, can avoid this mistake. So you can fully respect the schmear, for others, but more importantly, for yourself. You, dear reader, are worthy of a full schmear.